Harsh Realities of Aging: Part II
During Part I we discussed the first five harsh realities of aging as listed by Robert’s Active Retirement. The first five were: time is limited, health is everything, independence feels more fragile, memory slips and mental mistakes, and friends and family die. Part II will discuss the last five harsh realities of aging. Again, these are not meant as complaints but rather just an honest view of the challenges that come with growing older.
(6) Relationships matter more than ever. As you age, you realize your time on earth is limited and that the people you care about are the most important part of your life. You understand that the time you spend with your spouse, your children, your grandchildren, and your friends is precious. You may decide that you want to keep in better touch with your family. Occasionally, you may find yourself needing to rebuild a relationship from your past due to hurt or neglect.
Building relationships takes time and fortunately retirees have lots of time. We have increased the amount of time and effort in building relationships since we have retired. This includes spending more time on texts and phone calls to family, having friends over to our house, inviting others to spend time with us when travelling, spending more time visiting family in both Texas and Michigan, and going out of our way to be more involved with activities in our church. “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32, ESV).
(7) Stop accumulating and starting to let go of stuff. During a lifetime of 70 plus years, you accumulate a lot of stuff. Add a spouse and the average couple has lots of items in storage in the garage, in the attic, under the house, and in every drawer in the house. Some people are even paying for storage for all their extra stuff.
The importance of starting the process of letting go of stuff hit me hard two years ago when I had to help dispose of my mother-in-law’s possessions while preparing her to enter an assisted care facility. The first step was determining items that various family members wanted to keep. Then a very few items were sold. Many items were then given to charity. Unfortunately, many more items were discarded. This entire process of letting go of a lifetime of accumulated possessions was physically and emotionally exhausting for my wife and her brother.
Going through that process has encouraged me to slowly but surely start the process of clearing out a lifetime of accumulated items. As a couple we are also very careful in buying additional stuff for our house (No One Wants Your Stuff). We realize that after we are gone the disposing of our earthly goods is going to land squarely on our daughter. I’ve decided that I will very slowly dispose of things we have kept but aren’t using. When clothing gets torn or stained, I don’t keep it to wear when I’m going to paint or get grimy. How many painting shirts do I need? I only buy new clothing when it is needed. When something breaks, I get rid of it instead of keeping it around in case I might need it. Tammie and I are increasingly giving each other experiences rather than things for birthdays and Christmas. It makes sense to dispose of things that have little emotional value and then explain to your loved ones why you have kept certain things that are expensive or have emotional value to you. That communication will help them when they are making decisions about what to keep, sell, and dispose of when you are no longer around. “But God said to him, ‘You fool! I will demand your life from you tonight! Now who will get what you’ve accumulated?’ That’s how it is when a person has material riches but is not rich in his relationship with God” (Luke 19: 20-21, NOG).
(8) End of life decisions and options. Getting older means you think more about the fact that you won’t always be around. Many people don’t like to talk about possibly becoming incapacitated or dying. But failing to plan for these possibilities will make things harder on your loved ones when you are gone. There are four legal documents that everyone should consider and have completed:
a. Last Will and Testament: Directs how your property and money should be distributed when you die. Besides deciding who gets your financial resources and belongings, you must decide on an executor or personal representative. That is the person(s) who is legally responsible for carrying out your instructions in your will.
b. Durable Financial Power of Attorney: Lets you name a trusted person(s) to handle your financial and legal business. They can pay bills, manage bank accounts, and file taxes if you become unable to do so. Obviously, this must be a person you trust implicitly to have access to all your financial accounts if you become incapacitated.
c. Healthcare Power of Attorney: Sometimes referred to as a healthcare proxy, this document names someone to make medical decisions for you if you cannot speak or make choices for yourself. The final document goes along with this one and gives important information to your healthcare power of attorney.
d. Living Will: Sometimes referred to as an advance directive, this document puts your specific medical wishes in writing for end-of-life care. It tells doctors whether you want life-sustaining treatments, breathing machines, or feeding tubes if you are terminally ill or permanently unconscious. Along with the healthcare power of attorney, this document helps loved ones know your wishes about end-of-life care and gives them direction and comfort as they carry out your instructions.
On all four of these documents Tammie and I have listed each other as agents and our daughter as our alternative agent. While some believe a trust should be a fifth document included in this list, I would argue that not everyone needs a trust. However, the other four documents everyone should have. Typically, a lawyer can complete all four documents for you for a cost between $1,000 - $2,000. While not cheap, this preparation for difficult times ahead will be a blessing to your loved ones. “A prudent man foresees the difficulties ahead and prepares for them; the simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences” (Proverbs 22:3, TLB).
(9) Getting an old person attitude. Old people, I guess that includes me, are sometimes stereotyped as having an old person attitude. Sometimes we old people are known for yelling at young people to “get off my grass.” We are known to tell the same stories over and over again. We can get grumpy and sometimes we one up each other listing our many medical issues (let me tell you about my 23 lithotripsy surgeries for kidney stones). And yes, I’ve been guilty of some of those, all right, all of those stereotypes.
But we are trying to fight that old person attitude by exercising and staying healthy; by spending time with younger people like my daughter and grandchildren; by learning new skills like dancing, kayaking, skydiving, and pickleball; and by keeping up with technology by using apps for transportation, air travel, shopping, exercise, and music. Although we certainly are not on the cutting edge of technology, we are doing our best to keep up to date and use technology to make our lives better.
(10) See what really matters. The Bible says “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever” (Psalm 111:10, ESV). It may take a lifetime but eventually we develop wisdom about what is important in life. Somehow money, prestige, fame, and possessions don’t seem as important as they once did. Our salvation in Christ, sharing our faith, loving our neighbors, having a grateful attitude, spending time with our loved ones, and giving generously to others is what really matters. “No, he has told you what he wants, and this is all it is: to be fair, just, merciful, and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6-8, TLB).
Getting old does present us with some harsh realities about what is left of our lives. But if your priorities are right, these harsh realities can help you live what’s left of your life with dignity and purpose.